A fella had been married less than four years but he already had 4 children. A friend asked why. He said “It’s because my wife is hard of hearing.”
The friend asked what that has to do with four children in 4 years. He answered: “Every night when we go to bed, I ask do you want to go to sleep or what? And she answers ‘What’”
There was a newly married young and inexperienced deaf couple preparing for bed on their first night. Both of them use sign language but neither could see in the dark.
“I know” signs the new bride, “when you fancy sex, squeeze my right breast twice and when you don’t fancy sex, squeeze my left breast.”
“That’s a good idea” he signed back “and when you fancy sex, pull on my penis once and when you don’t fancy sex, pull on my penis 50 times!” 
“This new hearing aid is great! I never miss a sound. I hear better than someone who doesn’t need a hearing aid!”
“What kind is it?”
“Two thirty.”
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said ''Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear? "Mabel answered “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing… now I think I know where to find my hearing aid…”
Knock, knock.
“Who’s there?”
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Knock, knock.
Texas Bob … you have tears running down my cheeks. I can’t stop laughing at your suppository joke
“What do we want?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
“When do we want it?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
Three old men are walking down the street.
One of them stumbles a little and, to cover his clumsiness, says, “Windy today, ain’t it?”
The next guy ponders this assertion and replies, “No, it’s Thursday.”
The third one perks right up and exclaims, “So am I! Let’s stop for a beer.”
That is good.
Thanks
Two years ago, Doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
How do you stop an argument between a group of deaf people?
Just turn off the lights.
I think my Physics teacher is deaf.
I asked her what the S.I. Unit of Power is and she kept saying “What?”
Blind man walks into a Deaf Pub.
Blind man asks “Is anyone there?”
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too!
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’”
Oops, repost! Sorry, folks!
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”
The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?”
The deaf man signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”
The hood asks the interpreter, “What did he say?”
The interpreter quickly says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger!”
A man gets new hearing aids fitted; returning to his audiologist several weeks later for a follow-up appointment.
“These new hearing aids work great, however they’re causing me so much physical pain and discomfort!”
The audiologist says “That’s not good - tell me, what are the symptoms?”
“They’re a yellow cartoon family on TV, but I don’t understand how that’s relevant”.
Marketing departments usually doesn’t have humour, but R&D engineers are sometimes really funny. This is what I recently heared from a development engineer working in the hearing aid industry:
Q: Why do our new hearing aid models have the longest battery lifetime in the market?
A: Because they are always in the drawer.
Seb, not hearing aid related but reminds me of when I was in the household goods sales. The Dyson vaccuum rep would come in and ask how business was, and I would say, “Customer satisfaction is good, I’m always told how your products really suck!”
TexasBob,
This reminds me of my first hearing aids that actually helped. When I thought I was silent, I wasn’t. In the store, at work, church etc. I started laughing out loud thinking about.
