Bitch, Moan, Threaten: How do I get my spouse to accept my loss of hearing acuity as a disability instead of a character fault?

Hearing Loss
21

I can’t tell from your post whether the advice from several audiologists was said by them directly to her, or said to her via you. I had some luck taking my spouse to the audiologist with me. Like some people get a music program for their aids, I got a “marriage saver” program.
The three of us sat in the Audi’s office, my spouse read aloud from a magazine, and the Audi adjusted my program to her voice.
Obviously it didn’t solve the entire issue, but it did totally convince my husband that my hearing problems were not really about him, but instead about hearing in general.

I also like the idea of a remote mic like Roger for situations like different rooms. The Audi might be able to help there by knowing what devices would work well with your aids.

And I also give 3 cheers for Hear & Beyond. Great book.

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22

Welcome to the club. I’m 75, my disabled wife seems to have precision hearing that works well around 3 corners, but the issue is this: My spouse has difficulty describing locations, like “on the left side of the kitchen utensil drawer ‘in front of’ x, y or z’ and thinks I can’t hear her. I can hear her, but I often can’t fathom what she means when giving imprecise spatial guidance regardless of whether it’s the utensil draw or somewhere in a couple of garden beds in front of the house something must go. And if I don’t grasp the guidance, her volume goes up to the point I have to dial down the hearing aids.

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23

Fair point. From my experience, men are far likelier than women to refuse to accept they need HAs, going to ridiculous lengths to avoid facing reality. Even though they are the first to lose their hearing.

“…according to the National Institute on Deafness and Communication Disorders (NIDCD), men are almost twice as likely as women to have hearing loss among adults aged 20-69”

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24

Regarding the suggestion to use a simulator to help her understand your hearing loss better, someone recently shared here on the forum this brilliant simulator:

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25

What a proactive solution to the common issue.

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26

My husband now has hearing loss…and now he understands. Some folks will just no remember or bother to change their habits. I now have to be mindful of my husband and move to him to speak. As another mentioned, it is often the higher pitch of the woman’s voice that makes it remain hard to understand even with HAs. My quote is "I am doing all I can to hear you by using my CI and my HA. Your job is to get my attention before you speak and come to where I am or call me over before expecting I will understand you. It’s not my fault.

GOod Luck

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27

I probably missed but how old are you and your wife?

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28

Call me and lets see if we can figure it out remotely! Email me your test results to ryan@hearinghealthaz.com and I will let you know if you got the right dome or not. 4808624327 is my office line

29

I’m pushing 80 and have been a full-time HA wearer for over 10 years, and on my 3rd pair.

All BTE/RIC, progressing from tulips to domes to closed domes to molds.

These most recent molds seem to be a reversion in acuity, oddly enough…

She’s about to be 71, and has total acuity as far as I can tell, as my speech from my loft office to her main-floor bedroom-through-the-kitchen-and-bath and 2-8 door passages 20+ feet back rarely generate a “what?” - to my detriment, as she apparently expects the same of whatever hearing I get with whatever means.

She’s thinking cochlear implants. I’m thinking permanent MyPalPro on her neck, presuming that my Imagine17s can receive the signal…

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30

So, out of curiosity to all the people with spouses here. . .

How often have you sat them down to have a specific and serious conversation about the impact of your hearing and the way it makes you feel and what is difficult and easy for you, and have you acknowledged that it is difficult for them and asked how they feel about it and whether together you can brainstorm solutions?

Many times? Or never?

My spouse’s emotional IQ is much higher than mine. I’ve only been married for a decade, but I do think I’ve grown. I’m curious what we’ll be like in another few decades.

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31

I had chronic problems for first year and a half. I couldn’t hear at all. Finally my dispensing Audi erased my hearing aids. Did a quick fit.

I found someone good. He did a quick fit. Same Audiogram. I heard better. I asked him what he found wrong. L and R hearing aids were not connected in Target. Wrong domes. I asked him what else. He said he could boost mids and highs I heard better. That was a year and a hal ago.

About a year? Ago I had my first hearing test with new guy. My hearing was 10-20 dB worse than reported by dispensing Audi. I had two quick follow ups. Hearing tests were consistent. 10-20 dB worse. I hadn’t had REM for about a year

Two weeks ago I had booked a hearing test with REM. I got REM. no hearing test.

Long drive home. The music in my car was beautiful. Only difference is REM.

my hearing aids are supplied by workman’s comp in Ontario

I respect the new guy for taking me on

He has now fixed what the dispensing guy couldn’t.

WSIB will pay for new hearing aids in two years. But not the top models. They pay maintenance. And batteries. With restraints.

So my hearing instrument specialist is diagnosing the other guys mistakes. That takes real skill. He can’t sell accessories without permission. He is allowed appointments every 6 months. I’ve had 6 or 7 appointments in a year and a half.

Life with 3 firms?

  • H-ll with Peel audiology. Couldn’t hear especially behind

  • Couldn’t hear with CVA Paradise P90s. Speech in quiet was impossible

  • HWM Somewhat better. I could hear in quiet first time in 5 years. Then much better with. REM. at HWM. That’s the breakthrough.

  • I’ve been harassed at work for 5 years

  • At home. She doesn’t understand why my hearing aids don’t work

It’s been absolutely terrible. It affects my health. I became a heart patient about a year? Ago.

I only spoke because it’s taken a skilled businessman to set up my Phonak Audeo Paradise P90Rs. And that’s why I wrote here.

I’ve had ha over 22 years. One Widex then 3 pair of Phonaks

I wish this forum had links so I could write this once. I hate complaining. I want to be positive.

At times I’ve wished I never had my first hearing test. It would have been easier to stop using my hearing aids

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33

You’ve described my situation perfectly. My wife and I have been together for 32 years. My hearing is deteriorating rapidly and she seems unable to grasp how much this impacts me more than her. Then, I met my previous wife for the first time in 40 years and, lo and behold, SHE GETS ME! She understands my situation without being told what to do. We’re both in our upper 70s and we’re falling in love with each other again.

The lesson here is, there comes a time in any marriage where you have to ask how much your spouse really loves you. The real test of love is when either of you is forced to accommodate something your spouse has no control over. Hearing loss is probably more challenging than anything else because it’s the one disability that leaves its victims looking normal to all the world. It’s the invisible disability.

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34

I’m concerned. I try not to say anything here that I wouldn’t say at home.

Life’s not perfect. It takes two to make or break a relationship.

I’m hard of hearing, and have hearing aids that were terrible for years. My conduct contributed to disputes I had about being hard of hearing at home.

I walked into work today and had a conversation that I couldn’t hear. It was speech in a quiet environment.

  • recent hearing aid test (check)

  • hearing aids and charger were just replaced by Phonak at end of warranty (3 years) (check)

  • action? use the app. Somehow, my hearing aid volume was -2. fixed.

  • action? changed my wax guards. They were about 5 days used;

I hear better now. Well a little better.

Frankly I don’t know what else to do. My hearing aids don’t work well in my real world.

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35

Wow, this is something most experience, you are not alone. I feel it is hard to admit that you are deaf, or hearing impaired, so its no surprise that your spouse has difficulty as well, and after all we look like someone that is capable of hearing. My spouse does it often and I repeat myself each time, telling him I can only “hear” him if I “see” him. I also just tell people that I am deaf or hard of hearing, I fall into the severe and profound hearing loss category. Its frustrating, especially when in a store/restaurant etc. and they talk with their back to you. My spouse is learning, but also frustrated as he has to accommodate me, it has taken time, its an adjustment for both of us.

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36

block quote: (I can’t find that button so, manually:)
So, out of curiosity to all the people with spouses here. . .

How often have you sat them down to have a specific and serious conversation about the impact of your hearing and the way it makes you feel and what is difficult and easy for you, and have you acknowledged that it is difficult for them and asked how they feel about it and whether together you can brainstorm solutions?

Many times? Or never?
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[/quote]
As I started it, and as Neville is a major presence and wizard, this might be significant, but given the other responses I suspect not, so, here’s this one’s answer:

Hundreds of times. My wife is of the “Lord, give me patience… But I want it RIGHT NOW (screaming)” group. And despite having been told by N>1 audiologists, in person, to come to me and face me if she expects a response, let alone understanding of what is said, but either refusing, or in the rush of whatever it is she wants, forgetting, she doesn’t. If it happens that she’s in the line-of-sight-ability range I can at least look at her when she’s speaking from another room away.

I’ve characterized my need for tweaking to, now, at least 4 different audiologist that I can specifically recall, as being “If we don’t solve this, I’ll either be divorced or dead.” I asked her to come with me two times ago, when I got a new molds impression(s), which, of course, was to no effect as there were no metrics taken nor tried. As it’s over an hour away, plus whatever time in-office, she’s perhaps understandably unwilling to go again. And in the previous visits with the aforementioned audiologists (other than the only one who’s been successful with tweaking, which involved detailed logs of what happened over the prior week, and weekly adjustments to the Beltone/GN profile, all without her presence), while I wanted it done, never were there any readings of speech pattern/sounds/frequencies to assist with the tweaks.

And, of course, every audio’s office is nowhere near the environment of our life, so I dunno whether such readings would have any merit, anyway.

FTR, my new molds’ fitment included another REM, but since my last 'gram was in April, another wasn’t done; I dunno whether the profile was tweaked in that visit.

Given the unanimity of responses’ concurrence, I’m not optimistic…

37

Welcome to the forum!

I bought a book recommended by a poster on this forum…

HEAR & BEYOND

Live Skillfully with hearing Loss

Shari Eberts
Gae; Hannan

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38

You won’t like my answer. When I detect that my wife is talking to me. I stop whatever I am doing. Turn off the TV, music, water running in the sink, etc. and walk towards here until I am near enough to hear. She sees that I am making an effort and repeats as necessary.

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39

Insightful comments. You made me aware that we might not be the only ones with a disability. Some sort of attention deficit might make it challenging to remember to speak directly to us.

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40

I hear you, my partner is the same. We’re in our 70’s now. I’ve put up with it all my married life. Like you I’m over his stupidity. Approx 15 years ago I put/stuffed my partners ears with cotton wool, told him to leave it there until 3pm. Then started talking to him, about the great time we had in Old Blimey. And kept the conversation going for some considerable time.

When it came to 3 pm he took the cotton wool out of his ears. He told me he didn’t have a clue about what I was talking about. As all he could hear was me mumbling away. I told him that is what I hear when you don’t talk to my face. Sadly he didn’t follow through on the experiment. He still talks to my back.

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41

Was that Old Blimey or Blighty Sheryl lol? My wife says I mumble, yet I’m not able to understand her most of the time, so between us just about every sentence is repeated.

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